dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
