I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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