Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
3pm strippers are depressing
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
