Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
