Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
