How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
