I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
