fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
