I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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