just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
