HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
