y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
