I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
