After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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