You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
