I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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