Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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