I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
