first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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