i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
