Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
