if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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