Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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