The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
