wrigley field is MILF paradise
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
