Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
