'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
