Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
