I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
