my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
