My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
