so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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