Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
