I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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