I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
