i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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