someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
