I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
