True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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