There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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