omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
