I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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