I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
