The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
