Don't make out with my wife yet
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
