did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
