I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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