Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
