i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
