did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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