I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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