pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
