Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
