So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
