when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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