she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
