Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
