Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He passed out mid-signature
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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