yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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