Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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