Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
