You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
